I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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