today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
