so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
