Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize