Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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