i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
