There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I love you. Go after that dick
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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