my soul wont recognize me after tonight
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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