He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize