He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
