party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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