we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
