I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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