don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
