i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize