According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize