Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
