that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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