she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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