I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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