I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
