Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
