I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need a beard to bite.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
