When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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