I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
