there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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