So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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