after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
