why didn't you poke me back
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
