So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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