Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
