remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
