Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
