After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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