Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
