I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize