Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Randomize
