if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
