the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
