Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
