I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just had sex on a roof
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
