I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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