we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
