If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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