I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
