i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize