u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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