I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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