Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize