Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
smell my finger.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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