dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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