I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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