please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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