New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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