Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize