I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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