she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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