Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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