just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
