We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
