Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
