the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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