apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I should be sponsored by Trojan
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
