so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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