Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
