the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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