who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
