My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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