I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
two words: eviction party
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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