She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
