i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
