maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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