I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
